So, while Levi was busy getting married, I was busy watching him getting married and then doing the Hokey Pokey at the reception. And then when I came back home, my refrigerator broke, my computer crashed, my blog’s database exploded, and then when I tried to log in to write my post here, WordPress was all, “Access DENIED. No, seriously. Go away.” The moral of this story is, of course, don’t come back from vacation. Take it from me. It’s a bad idea.
Anyway, even though I wasn’t smart enough to stay on vacation, the refrigerator has been replaced, I bought a new computer, I fixed my database, and here I am writing this post. So it all ended up okay, and all, but when my computer died, I lost a lot of stuff. I haven’t given up hope on being able to fish around in the dead tower and retrieve some things, though I wish I’d been more vigilant about backing stuff up in the first place (this is a lesson I thought I learned a few years ago the last time I had a computer die on me, but I guess it didn’t stick). It’s funny though, because I obsessively back up my photographs to an external hard drive, and I’m pretty good about backing up my iTunes, so the main thing I’ve lost is my writing. It’s a lot of writing. I may be able to get it back or not, but I can’t help finding it interesting that out of everything, this is the stuff I didn’t bother to save. And while I know there was some good work there that it would be nice to have, the truth is that I wasn’t all that upset about it. A little upset, sure, but definitely not as upset as I thought I might be, as I thought I should be.
I’m not sure what that means, or if it means anything other than I am careless, but I sure have thought about it a lot. The main question I ask myself is that if I can write pages and pages and do almost nothing to make sure they survive, and when they’re lost I don’t seem to mind too much, then why do I write in the first place? Why not just take up sudoku? I’ve given myself a few answers:
1. I hate sudoku.
2. Habit. I’ve been writing all my life (or at least since I’ve been literate, which has been, you know, a few years), and at this point it’s just one of the things I do naturally. I sit down and write something every day, good or bad, serious or not. It’s just a guarantee that at some point during my waking hours I will write something, even if it’s only a couple of sentences. And when I’m not writing, I’m often thinking about it, planning what I’m going to write next. It’s a compulsion, almost, minus the “almost” part.
3. Words. I love them. Fiercely, passionately. I love them in four languages, and I’d love them in more languages than that if I knew more. Despite the fact that they fail me all the time in my day-to-day, face-to-face life, despite the fact that they are approximations, I love them. And it’s important to spend time with the ones you love.
4. Because I can. There are a lot of things in the world that I can’t do, and I am aware of them, but I can write. I don’t even suck at it.
Are those good enough reasons? Does it matter? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ll keep writing, and maybe I’ll even get better about preserving what I write. But even if I don’t get better at it, even if everything I write remains momentary and impermanent, it’s enough that I do it. So perhaps the biggest reason is that I write just for the sake of writing. Sometimes I write for an audience, most of the time I don’t, and I am after the creating more than the creation, I suppose. Perhaps someday that will change, but for now the very best part is the act itself, the practice. Lining the words up neatly in well-formed rows and then doing it again.