Five Hot Fictional Characters

1. Hector – The Iliad

Out of the classical epics that have to do with the Trojan War, there are several characters that could potentially go on this list of hotties, because let’s face it — they were pretty badass, and all that fighting has to add hotness points. But Hector is the only one who comes to mind when I think about which ones weren’t total jerks. Achilles? Murderous jerk. Agamemnon? Cheating jerk. Paris? Wimpy jerk. Odysseus? Jerk noted for his lying ability. Hector? Not really a jerk at all. Actually rather noble and decent to his family. There you go.

2. Beatrice – Much Ado About Nothing

Beatrice has long been one of my very favorite Shakespearian heroines because she is smart, funny, and strong, and for these reasons, I think she ranks among the hottest as well (way hotter than her cousin Hero who gets most of the attention in the play). Incredibly gifted in the art of verbal sparring (which definitely wins points with me), she could cut someone dead with a single comment, yet even though she does a good job hiding it, she is vulnerable too, soft enough to fall in love, though of course only with Benedick, her very able sparring partner. She’s fiery too, raging against the injustice done her cousin: “O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the market-place.” She’s pretty awesome.

3. Sam Spade – The Maltese Falcon

It would never work out between us, I know this is true. But since I go into most relationships armed with this knowledge, this is not a roadblock. Sam Spade is cool as hell, slightly rumpled, with a cynical grin that I imagine is completely disarming. Let’s say it is. Other than the fact that “he looked rather pleasantly like a blond Satan,” which, despite all those years of Sunday School I went to, is pretty hot, I fell for Sam Spade a little bit when he tells the femme fatale “I hope to Christ they don’t hang you, precious, by that sweet neck.” I’m not sure what that says about me, that this was the line that really got me, and it’s probably best if I don’t think about it too much. Anyway, in this entirely fictional scenario, I don’t know who would leave whom in the end, but I’m sure it would involve sneaking out in the early morning, no notes, no apologies, it was what it was, but it’s time to move on, sweetheart.

4. Elizabeth Bennet – Pride and Prejudice

Despite my crush on Emma‘s Mr. Knightley, I have to say that when it comes to hot characters to come out of Jane Austen novels, Elizabeth Bennet wins easily. Clever and quick-witted, active and lively, she doesn’t just sit around in drawing rooms and embroider things. Sometimes mildly self-deprecating, yet strong enough to speak her mind, she’s smart and feisty and completely timeless. And a total hit at parties.

5. James Bond – take your pick

Certainly best known from the films, I say he counts because he first appeared in a novel. And really, is there a fictional character hotter than James Bond? No. There’s something to be said for a man who looks dashing in a tuxedo. It’s a very handy skill to have. Also, he drives the best cars. And always gets the bad guy. And did I mention the tuxedo thing? And yes, I know this has to do with a film version, but after I saw Casino Royale I texted a friend and said “I want to be James Bond when I grow up.” Even though I don’t want to be a guy or a British secret agent or wear tuxedos or really even drink martinis (I’m more of a bourbon kind of girl), it’s totally true.

22 Responses

  1. “Henry Miller” in Tropic of
    “Henry Miller” in Tropic of Cancer. A fictional character created by Henry Miller. “Miller,” along with “Sal Paradise,” showed me that a different life was possible.

  2. What, we only get five? I
    What, we only get five? I love fictional characters. I nominate Gilbert Blythe for the next series. 😀

  3. No Mr. Darcy? I mean, I’ve
    No Mr. Darcy? I mean, I’ve got absolute girl crushes on both Beatrice and Elizabeth Bennet, but no love for Mr. Darcy?

  4. I like Mr. Darcy. But I
    I like Mr. Darcy. But I think a lot of that has to do with Colin Firth. The hottest Jane Austen male character is Mr. Knightley. Way hotter than Darcy. Way way way.

    But out of them all, Elizabeth Bennet is easily the hottest, and I’m not just saying that because I once took a completely reliable internet quiz that said that if I were a literary character that’s who I’d be.

  5. I was trying to think of a
    I was trying to think of a good Raymond Chandler dame, but I’m having a hard time remembering which dame was which.

    On the whole, I think Haruki Murakami pretty much nailed my ultimate dream woman in “Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World” with the unnamed protagonist’s unnamed “48-hour girlfriend.” She’s hot, she’s a librarian, she’s Japanese, and she has some sort of strange gastric dilation which causes her to eat constantly without ever getting full or gaining weight. That’s hot.

  6. Mmmmmm . . . ravenous hot
    Mmmmmm . . . ravenous hot librarian . . .

    I keep hearing good things about this Haruki Murakami.

    My pick for hottest literary character is Lilac Paquinn from Cut-Up the Stolen Scroll.

  7. She was the nude model,
    She was the nude model, right? And she has a scene in a library, right? I’m sold.

  8. When spreaking of literary
    When spreaking of literary characters, are we speaking of some hot stuff.

    As it takes some heated thing to make something become a “hot” item.This i suppose would be what
    is called a plot.We have pot boilers for the quick fix.One can take plots from historical situations
    but can one take the later from the former?

    We appear to be at some fictional crossroads, and
    we see remakes of Shakespear into endless subterfugeal crank outs.Is this a sub-plot to the
    postmodern meltdown mythology? Are we now in some
    scene from an obscure play that slipped off of a desk on a night when several plot threads ran into
    a grand cat’s cradle?

    We would have bronze body gods and goddesses
    in endless tragic positions, or we would have the
    wisecracking sleuth-sayer.We would have
    silver tongued sluts on London street that mysteriously appear out of the fog, to point
    toward the mystery spot to the hapless zero-hero.

    Her tempestious eyes glitter in the gathering gloom, and we have a cat named Ulysses who has
    a buddy named Tyger.they wander off in a direction
    that is somewhere between the Pheonix cafe and the
    Alph book store.They run into their connection
    a poet called Coleridge on the fluking corner.

    ‘Tis a good day for charting universes says, Ulysses over his furry shoulder to Tyger, and Coleridge’s
    smile, like a
    thousand petaled lotus unfurling in a mesureless
    Tavern.Tyger beams brightly for an eternity.Then
    they pass through a rift in the mist where “she
    who must be listened to”, went.

  9. Becky Sharp an’ Lorna Doone,
    Becky Sharp an’ Lorna Doone, have some stuff goin’ for them, as does Maria,in ‘Twelth Night’

  10. Originally all of
    Originally all of Shakespeare’s female characters were played by men. Does that leave scope for ‘Daphne’ played by Jack Lemmon in ‘Some Like it Hot’ or Dustin Hoffman’s ‘Tootsie’ to be brought into consideration.

  11. gender bender, shapeshifter,
    gender bender, shapeshifter, “I love you, ET”

    (the white goddess?)

    “Let’s do the time warp again”

    I rather think we will never see the likes of
    Jack or Dustin on the silver screen again.
    Hollywood but hollow can’t.

    ‘Tis the twelve of past never never….and all through the bleak house….not a shrew turned
    not even a morphed mouse under milk wood…’

    ‘Twelfth Night’ or What you Wilt…

    …thou flower whither…they shall come to think
    i am madder than a hatter…but it is no matter…
    love is all…all what you will…now get thee to the
    work of tying me to the(tree) mast…this is a daunting
    thrill….hark! yonder creatchers stir…not even
    a Faust…but a Lamia will much to do…faster, faster, pussy cat…

  12. Mona Lisa has that smile

    Mona Lisa has that smile
    An Bette Davis, those eyes
    Greta Garbo knew St.Joan
    Ice cold in Alice land
    An Some Like it Hot.
    Norma Jean’s Wooden Horse
    Is galloping in cowboy land
    But Homer’s Helen of Troy
    Is a blue haired blonde
    From Springfield.

  13. and it’s all over now

    and it’s all over now
    baby blue, Blonde on Blonde
    Boop Boop de Boop

    was Homer really Homer?
    did Babe hit that last one?
    was Troy a toxic child’s toy?
    did Greta give birth to a
    Mata Hari myth? a femme fatale wisp?
    in that Garbo look. those legs
    sunrise in Zelle’s bullet lookin at eyes

    was Shakespeare really ?
    what a fortunate name of the plume
    Bacon or Ham, King Lear or Hamlet
    can’t make an Omlet with out breakin

    Bob was Dylan, Thomas was a doubter
    no doubt, patron saint of poets
    Helen would not be Helen in Homer
    if Homer had wood, holly deck hall
    perchance Willy the Shakes was a gal
    jungle balls London Bridges fall
    “i have the blue eyes of my ancestors”
    have a lot of gall in my Paris Spleen

    and cowboys of Ra, Rimbaud sat Beauty
    on his lap and what did he mean

    She liked it Hottentot

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